


I'm Sorry, I Just Can't

by CoreyWW



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Drinking, Drinking & Talking, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, Friendship, Gen, Gift Fic, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 18:19:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6917965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Priyanka hasn't been the same since Doug and Connie's tragic accident. Pearl strikes up an unlikely friendship with her that seems to help ...</p>
<p>Until one day when Priyanka doesn't show up for tea, forcing Pearl to go check on her ...</p>
<p>Based on the fanfic Incredible by FourFaces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry, I Just Can't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FourFaces](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FourFaces/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Incredible](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6662752) by [FourFaces](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FourFaces/pseuds/FourFaces). 



> This fanfiction is based on another fanfiction called Incredible by FourFaces (which you can see linked above this note) and was written with permission from the original author. It specifically takes place between chapters two and three of that story.
> 
> If you've never read it, Incredible is a story where Connie tragically dies in a car accident (with her father as well) and Steven is forced to cope with the loss. This then leads to Rose's Room misinterpreting what Steven actually wants and attempting to bring Connie back in ... somewhat frightening System Shock-ish fashion. It's a very good read, good blend of sadfic and horror, and I urge you to check it out.
> 
> One of the interesting minor things about the story is that after this great loss, Priyanka and Pearl end up becoming friends. I'm a huge fan of both characters and thought that would be interesting to explore more since it's really only a minor part of the story.
> 
> Big thanks to FourFaces for giving their blessing to write this. I hope you enjoy this story.
> 
> Also, I don't usually do these, but considering the subject matter of this one, I feel it's a good idea ...
> 
> Trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

Priyanka hadn’t shown up to meet Pearl.

_This isn’t like her_ , Pearl thought. Ever since the accident, Priyanka had made a habit of coming to see Pearl. They would have tea (another thing Pearl had started to enjoy despite her reservations about ingesting) and talk. She would always ask how Steven was doing.

Sometimes Priyanka would talk about Doug or Connie and her voice would crack, which Pearl pretended not to notice even though she _always_ did. Pearl was never sure what to say, but even so Priyanka usually left happier than when she arrived. Pearl liked to think their talks helped. Priyanka must have thought so too, since she was never late for tea.

Until today.

Pearl had heard nothing from her. Granted, Pearl did not have a phone, but it seemed unlike the methodical Priyanka to simply not show up.

Pearl waited in the beach house for Priyanka, alone. Garnet and Amethyst had taken Steven to Funland to cheer him up. He had been having one of his “bad days” since Connie’s passing. They were becoming less frequent, but Pearl knew they would never entirely go away.

After all, she still had days like that herself, days where she thought too much of Rose ...

Pearl stopped herself from continuing that train of thought. She looked out the window. It was getting dark.

_It’s probably nothing_ , Pearl told herself. _She was probably called into work and had no way to reach me. Yes, that must be it._

_Everything is probably fine_.

Pearl told herself that over and over again.

But as it got darker and darker, she believed it less and less. When the stars came out, Pearl could take it no longer and left the house.

* * *

There was no answer when Pearl knocked on Priyanka’s front door.

Priyanka’s car was in the driveway. She had to be here. Pearl’s breath quickened.

She knocked again. No answer.

Pearl looked around the house. There were no signs of forced entry. Everything appeared fine.

Pearl knocked harder. Still no answer.

She turned the doorknob. The door was unlocked. Without hesitation, she went inside.

When Pearl walked in, she saw Priyanka on the couch, her face in her hands. There was a bottle of wine and an empty glass on the coffee table in front of her. A piece of paper rested underneath the bottle.

She was _alive_.

Pearl breathed a sigh of relief.

“Priyanka,” Pearl said.

Priyanka shot upright. Her cheeks were flushed. When Priyanka lowered her hands, Pearl could see her eyes were rubbed red.

“Oh my god, Pearl,” Priyanka said. She sounded hoarse and her words slurred out. “Wha ... what are you doing here?”

“You never showed up for tea. I was afraid ...” Pearl paused. “I was afraid something happened.”

“Oh ... oh god, right,” Priyanka clutched her head. “I-- I didn’t realize it was so late. I ... god ...” She ran her hand through her hair. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “God, _what is wrong with me_?”

“It’s alright ... really, it’s fine,” Pearl said, sitting on the couch next to her. Pearl reached out to touch Priyanka, but she shirked away.

“Please ... not right now,” Priyanka said.

Pearl drew her her hand back, her eyes wide.

“O-okay,” Pearl said. She awkwardly rested her hands back in her lap.

Pearl glanced at the table. The paper under the bottle had writing, but Pearl couldn’t see what it said.

The bottle itself was almost empty.

“I ,um ... I didn’t know you enjoyed wine,” Pearl said. “I--I mean, I didn’t know you drank.”

Priyanka let her hands drop. Her expression was stoic. Her eyes looked as if they was staring at something miles away.

“I don’t,” Priyanka said as she lifted the bottle and poured what was left in the glass. She stared at it. “We were saving it.”

“What?” Pearl asked.

Priyanka turned away from Pearl.

“The wine was a wedding present,” Priyanka said, her voice gravelly . “It ... we were saving it for our twentieth anniversary. Today.”

“... oh,” Pearl said. A feeling of dread came over her. She could imagine that kind of pain all too well. “I--I’m sorry. When we scheduled for tea, I didn’t realize--”

“I didn’t either,” Priyanka said. She contorted her face into something barely resembling a smile. “I--I had forgotten until I was just about to leave...” She chuckled. “Can you imagine that? We were married twenty years, he’s only gone a month and I nearly forget--”

Priyanka shook her head and muttered a swear under her breath before taking a final gulp of the wine. She gazed into the empty glass.

“ _I never deserved you ..._ ” Priyanka whispered.

Pearl didn’t have to ask to know it wasn’t her Priyanka was speaking to.

“Listen, Priyanka,” Pearl said. “It’s okay--”

“ _IT’S NOT OKAY_!” Priyanka said suddenly as she hurled the glass against the wall. Pearl flinched as it shattered, shards falling to the floor.

Priyanka breathed heavily. She shifted her eyes to Pearl, almost red with anger.

“I killed them,” Priyanka said horsely.

“Priyanka, you didn’t--”

“ _Yes, Pearl, I did_!” Priyanka shouted. “ _I_ was the one who was supposed to drive Connie to the temple. She asked me! But I-- I got a call from the hospital, I had to put in an order for a patient’s medication right when we were supposed to leave--”

“Priyanka--”

“I _asked_ Doug to take her.” Her words came out in a sob as her eyes welled up.

“You had no way of knowing--”

“Doug can barely drive in the snow, but he said he’d be fine! I was worried but I--I let him do it anyway! And then--”

Pearl clutched Priyanka’s hand.

“It wasn’t your fault! _”_ Pearl said.

“ _I know, okay?_!” Priyanka shouted back as she jerked her hand away from Pearl. “I know I had no way of knowing! I know it’s irrational to even feel like this! But I just--” Priyanka’s voice lowered to a whisper. “I can’t stop thinking about it ... why couldn’t I have just known ... why couldn’t it have just been me?”

Pearl didn’t know what to say. She struggled to find the right words. She had never seen another Gem or human this upset before. There had to be something she could do.

“Priyanka ...” Pearl said, biting her lip. “You don’t-- I mean, I’m here for you. You don’t have to deal with this alone--”

Priyanka closed her eyes.

“I’m not trying to ‘deal with this,’” she said bitterly. “I was trying to do the _opposite_ of dealing with it!”

“W-what do you mean?” Pearl asked.

Priyanka grimaced. Her hands shook as she slid the paper from underneath the wine bottle and handed it to Pearl.

Pearl gave Priyanka a confused look before she took the paper from her. At the center of the page in sloppy handwriting were words that gave Pearl chills. It read:

_I’m sorry. I just can’t_

Pearl felt a sinking feeling in her chest.

“Did ... did you write this?” Pearl said.

Priyanka looked away, ashamed. She said nothing.

“What ... what does it mean?”

Priyanka was silent. She wouldn’t look at Pearl. Wordlessly she reached in her pocket and pulled out an orange bottle of pills.

Pearl read a warning on the bottle that said “Do not take with alcohol.”

Pearl looked at the pills, then in the paper in her hand. She felt a horrible chill. She grabbed Priyanka’s shoulder.

“Priyanka!” Pearl said, unable to hide the terror in her voice. “Y-you didn’t--”

“No, I didn’t,” Priyanka said. She twisted away from Pearl on the couch, still avoiding eye-contact. “I-- I was trying to get the nerve to. And I couldn’t even get drunk enough to do _that_!”

Pearl stared down at the paper and read the words again .

_I’m sorry, I just can’t_

It reminded Pearl so much of how she felt when Rose died.

She couldn’t let Priyanka feel that way too. Not if she could help it.

“Priyanka ...” Pearl said. She placed the paper facedown on her lap, unwilling to look at it anymore. “I’m ... I don’t--”

Pearl couldn’t think of anything to say, but there just _had_ to be something.

_What’s even the point of being here if you can’t help her?_ she thought to herself.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Priyanka said. “I don’t want pity.”

“I don’t pity you!” Pearl said. “I just ...” She folded her hands together in her lap. “I don’t want you to ... to do anything like that to yourself. I--” Pearl took a breath. “I’d ... feel sad if anything were to happen to you too.”

Priyanka finally looked back at Pearl. Her eyes were wet, but her expression softened. She sniffed.

“That’s ... that’s a little nice to hear,” Priyanka said.

There was a long pause.

“Can I ask you something?” Priyanka said.

“Of course,” Pearl said.

“How do you do it?”

Pearl blinked.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid I don’t--”

“After you lost Rose, how did you--” Priyanka stopped. She clutched the side of her face. “I--I’m sorry, it’s not fair to ask that. I don’t want you to feel sad too.”

“No, no, it’s alright,” Pearl said. “It’s ... it’s difficult. I just ...”

Pearl sighed.

“I just try to think what she would want me to do, i-if she were still here,” Pearl said.

She glanced back at Priyanka and forced a smile.

“I’m ... not sure if that helps or anything,” Pearl said.

Priyanka nodded.

“No ... that makes sense.” Priyanka sighed. “I just ... wish it got easier.”

“Yeah,” Pearl said quietly. “Me too ...”

Priyanka rubbed her temple. With her other hand, she grabbed the bottle of pills and handed it to Pearl.

“Please get rid of these,” Priyanka said. “I--I don’t want them anywhere near me.”

Pearl nodded.

“Y-yes, of course,” Pearl said. She took the bottle of pills. Something about holding it in her hands, knowing how it was meant to be used ... it made Pearl’s hands feel filthy.

Pearl stood up from the couch. She went to walk outside, but glanced back at Priyanka.

“I’ll only be gone a moment,” Pearl said. “Will you ... will you be alright?”

“Yeah,” Priyanka said. She stretched on the couch, still clutching her head. She shut her eyes. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just ... I just need to lie down for a moment.”

She rested her head on the armrest of the couch.

“O-okay,” Pearl said. “I’ll just, um ... take care of this.”

Pearl stepped outside, the cold night air whipping against her. There was a trashcan at the end of the driveway. It didn’t take more than a minute to throw the pills away and walk back inside, but by the time Pearl did, Priyanka was already snoring.

Pearl considered leaving, but knowing the turmoil Priyanka felt, she  couldn’t bear to.

Pearl sat on the end of the couch, Priyanka’s shoes brushing against her.

It was only one night, Pearl thought. It wasn’t as if she slept anyway. It’d be worth staying to watch her, if only for peace of mind.

So Pearl glanced out the window into the moonlight and waited ...

* * *

“Doug ...” Priyanka muttered a few hours later.

Pearl’s head snapped back to Priyanka, still lying down. Her eyes were shut, her words were slurred, and she clearly wasn’t awake.

“Doug, are you there?” Priyanka mumbled again.

Pearl’s hands started to shake. She could only choke back a sob, knowing what the human was dreaming about.

Pearl said nothing.

Priyanka shifted on the couch. Her eyes opened, half lidded, still clearly out of it.

“Doug, can you hear me?” Priyanka said, more clearly.

Afraid that Priyanka might wake up, a sudden impulse came over Pearl. She wasn’t planning to speak until the words were already out her mouth.

“Y-yes,” Pearl said. She coughed, her eyes drifting to the floor. “I-I’m here.”

Pearl’s voice sounded nothing like Doug’s, but Priyanka didn’t appear to notice, either because she was half-asleep or drunk. Priyanka shut her eyes.

“Oh, good,” slurred Priyanka. “I thought you were gone for a minute there.”

Pearl clutched her knees, trying to steady herself.

“N-no, I’m still here,” Pearl said.

This was inexcusable, Pearl thought. What she was doing was beyond disturbing. She have no defense for herself ...

But she didn’t have the heart to stop.

“Connie’s not still up, is she?” Priyanka said. “I don’t want her up late on a school night ...”

Pearl clenched her fists. Her eyes started to sting; she shut them tight.

“No, she’s ... she’s asleep ...” Pearl said, hearing the shakiness in her own voice.

“Oh ... good ...” Priyanka slurred as she nuzzled her head on the armrest.

There was a pause.

“We shouldn’t have had wine, “ Priyanka said. “It always makes me tipsy ... but I guess it is our anniversary ...”

Pearl was silent.

A moment later, Priyanka mumbled, “Doug?”

“Yes?” said Pearl.

“What did a sweet guy like you ever see in a bitch like me anyway?” Priyanka said.

Pearl rested her hand on Priyanka’s foot.

“D-don’t call yourself that,” Pearl said. “You’re ... you’re kind. And ... strong. Stronger than I am.”

Pearl wondered if she said that because it sounded like something Doug would say or if she truly meant it.

Priyanka gave a harsh chuckle.

“Well ... it’s sweet you think that,” Priyanka said. She moaned in her sleep. “I love you, Doug.”

Pearl felt her cheeks flush.

“Yeah,” Pearl heard herself say. “I-I love you too ...”

Priyanka muttered something Pearl couldn’t hear. In a few minutes, she was snoring again.

When Pearl felt it was safe, she got up slowly from the couch. She ran to the bathroom, turned on the sink’s cold water, and splashed it against her face. After she did, she in the mirror above the sink. Pearl saw her cheeks were red and her expression was unmistakably guilty.

She clutched the sides of the sink, her eyes glued to the drain. After a few minutes of silent panicking, she turned the water off and walked back to the couch.

Pearl didn't allow herself to look back at Priyanka for the rest of the night.

* * *

In the morning, Priyanka got up, clutching her head. She complained of a headache. She thanked Pearl for staying the night before asking her if she’d like to come back for tea that afternoon. Pearl agreed, if only to make sure her friend wasn’t alone for long.

Priyanka didn’t mention anything about last night. Not the drinking, the pills, or anything else.

Pearl nearly asked Priyanka if she remembered what had happened last night, what Pearl had said while she was asleep ... but in the end she didn’t.

She was too afraid of what the answer might be. 


End file.
